Raja, Rinku and a tainted Run-out

 It’s almost midnight in London. A group of Indian gentlemen are huddled over a telephone, nervously listening to the tring tring of the trunk call in progress. ‘Click’, call gets picked up. It's probably picked up by a servant. Few whispers and a minute later the Maharaja of Patiala is at the other end, still groggy in the wee hours of the day. The call ends with the Maharaja’s stern words of rebuke and warning. Brows sweating in the cool English midnight, the group of gentlemen disperse with disappointment and their heads down. 

It's Year 1932. This is the Indian cricket team’s second tour of England, to play their first ever test match. The team comprised amateurs, royalty, also a couple of promising cricketers, was led by the King of Porbandar, who jokingly is said to have acquired more Rolls Royce than runs in that tour. After a poor run in the first-class games of the tour, he volunteered to step down as captain on the eve of the test match and handed over the captaincy to CK Naidu - who would go on to have a successful tour with 3 centuries, and a worthy cricketer by all means.

 

Still marred with feudal subservient mindset and an inferiority complex, the team could not imagine playing under a commoner (Naidu). This led to break out of a rebellion of sorts. Few secret meetings later it was decided to call and consult the Maharaja of Patiala who was the erstwhile patron cum funder of the team.

 

Apparently, Maharaja fumed at the team's reluctance to play under Naidu, and warned them to fall in line immediately.

 

There is another infamous tale of the skipper of the Indian side - Raja Vizianagaram ‘Vizzy’, on the 1936 tour of England, growing insecure of the talented all-rounder Lala Amarnath and effecting his ouster from the team mid-tour on the fabricated disciplinary grounds. It's also believed Vizzy once gifted Mustaq Ali a gold watch in exchange of running out Vijay Merchant. 

 

Indian cricket lore is replete with eccentric, idiosyncratic and hedonistic tales of Royalties and their entitled obsession with the game. These histrionics aside, in all fairness the contribution - both on field and off field, of Indian Maharajas, Nawabs and Princes in sowing the seed of cricket and nurturing its root so deep that today India has become a cricketing powerhouse, is undeniable and indelible. 

 

Ranjitsinghji was the first Indian to play test cricket and scored a century on debut while playing for England against Australia. His nephew Duleep Singh played a dozen tests for England. A huge credit for establishing cricketing culture in those early days goes to Maharaj of Patiala. Kingly influences of Royals of Holkars and Baroda in the proliferation of the sport too has been seminal. 

 

You can love, hate, ridicule, detest but cricket & royalties (in India) is a connection that can’t be ignored, especially in the last century.

 

Cut to Nov 23,2023. It's only 5 days past India's heartbreaking defeat in the World Cup final. A 5’ 5 lad from a non-descript neighbourhood in Aligarh smashes a last ball six to win a T20 game against Australia. This is not enough to alleviate the pain of the finals but gives cricketing fans a flicker of hope that’s all’s not lost. What’s noticeable and enthusing is that small towners like Rinku have defiantly become the mainstay of  the team’s strength. Just a week earlier another small towner from Amroha, Shami, had earned global accolades for one of the best displays of pace bowling by a pacer in the World Cups. 

 

Today cricket and its vagaries are no longer headquartered in palaces and royal banquets. Yadavs and Patels from the hinterland have gently displaced Pataudis and Gaekwads. In a very fascinating tale of this transition, the country has witnessed this shift in stages.

 

Right after independence the princely states, Rajputanas and Riyasats were rendered irrelevant in governance and also cricket. The cricket hegemony shifted to upper caste, urban elites of Mumbai, Delhi, Chennai, Bangalore and Hyderabad. The players, administration and related commerce was concentrated in these privileged geographies until the turn of the century. For almost four decades the majority of the team was composed of big city boys of the likes of Kirmani and Vengsarkar.

 

It was the early 2000s that saw the emergence of players from tier 2 & 3 cities. Combination of factors like advent of cricket broadcast, 83 World Cup win and rise of iconic players like Tendulkar, Gavaskar and Kapil Dev contributed to this tectonic shift. Emergence and success of Dhoni, Raina, Kaif from the small cities/towns further fueled the popularisation and penetration of the sport in semi urban areas. This inspired an entire amateurish cricket playing generation. Becoming a professional cricketer now became an achievable, tangible ambition for an average Indian.

 What led to the next stage of grass root democratisation of the sport was the juggernaut of IPL. Up until then the pursuit of the sport wasn’t lucrative enough unless one is representing the national side. The probability of which is nanoscopically low given the fact that cricket is the only sport played in a country of 1.5 Bn population . IPL suddenly increased that probability multi-folds. Ravi Bishnois and Mukesh Kumars while playing school cricket could seriously think of pursuing cricket as a career option, and it no longer remained a statistical impossibility. The money and the clout that came to BCCI with the success of IPL set a chain reaction which after a decade and a half of the start of IPL, has posed a privileged problem of overflowing bench-strength to the selectors and administrators. It’s not a far-fetched extrapolation that India could be considering fielding more than one Indian team in the future, given the availability of an enormous pool and depth of players and prodigies. 

 Decent remunerations, umpteen T20 leagues, further strengthening of the domestic ecosystem at every level and day by day improving infrastructure has led to further penetration of the game to such an extent that the number of players in the team from urban centres have become a minority. 

 

 Bumrah, from a humble family, is the current leader of Indian fast bowling unit

Tiger Pataudi was once asked by Ian Chappel what he did when not playing cricket. To which he haughtily replied ‘I am a bloody Prince’. Today’s cricketing superstar on the contrary doesn’t bear a royal lineage but sold pani-puri for sustenance, did odd jobs for survival and is a son of a watchman or an auto driver, and could be hailing from Dindigul or Gopalgunj. This strikingly resonates with the turnaround of India and a common Indian’s fortunes too. 

 

Today, no Vizzy would be able to manipulate the team and players by throwing the weight of his riches and clout. Intriguingly, the level of democratisation and meritocracy that we would like to see hasn’t made it to the cricket administration, which unfortunately is still dominated by political heavyweights. Has the Royalty merely shifted from the seat of King to that of Kingmaker? Let’s hope someday an administrator does a Maharaja of Porbandar and makes way for a worthy Naidu, and we see a revolution which takes the sport to the unprecedented heights of success and glory.

 

Bombay Velvet: Music Review

Not denying that success is a fruit of passion, perspiration and talent but magic is created only under the roof of partnership. Then there is collusion of partnerships and the fruit of this is something grand, something timeless.

Picture coming together of three such genius partnerships i.e. Anurag Kashyap & Dark-Noir-ish-Musicals, Anurag Kashyap & Amit Trivedi, Amit Trivedi & Amitabh Bhattacharya. Now imagine the outcome.

We know Anurag Kashyap is very particular about his film’s music. He is the man who not only made Sneha Khanwalkar unearth the local flavors of Bihar-Jharkhand (for Gangs of Wasseypur) but also pushed her to import the Chutney Rap (which is the music of Bihari diaspora settled there centuries ago) from Caribbean’s. Bombay Velvet is a crime drama revolving around a night club of the same name. It is set in 60s when the 'jazz' scene in Bombay was supposedly very active and had an influence on bollywood music then.  Kashyap's knack of complementing the narrative with relevant music has resulted in a 15-track grand musical! Jazz, the  devil’s music, delightfully fits in to Kashyap’s dark themed creation.

Amit Trivedi has outdone himself by creating such an edifice which dwarfs everything he has composed till date. Considered to be experimental with various genres and techno sounds, Amit this time has delivered one tight album with Jazz strictly written over it. Doing an entire Jazz album speaks for its bravado. I could recollect only a few works in this genre in Indian music scene, remarkable among those is ‘Kaisi Paheli Zindgani’ by Shantanu Moitra and few others by A R Rahman. Magnitude and depth of this album can be assessed by the fact that he was working on this project for last 5 years. Right after completion of DevD, Kashyap handed over this project to him. Unlike offline music recording prevalent these days, where synthesizer doubles for variety of instruments, this album was recorded in Prague with 100s of best European jazz musicians to give it a genuine feel. Cello, Trombone, Clarinet, Accordion, Brass, Drums, Saxophone and everything of Jazz is employed to compose the melodies which are mostly about love, life and its tragedies. 

Amitabh’s lyrics are to the point, baring and bold at times. His poetry conveys the emotion and intent unambiguously. In the singing department, Neeti Mohan has simply hijacked the album with her impactful 6 songs. Listen to the album and you will know about her power packed performance. Shefali Alvares, like a jazz pro, takes the challenge effortlessly in the 3 songs she has done. 

Album kicks off with 'Aam Hindustani' which is about a common man’s struggle. The song mockingly narrates how administration toys with a commoner’s dreams and how latter wastes his entire life pursuing the mirage of love and happiness. It’s a catchy number with very frank lyrics. I feel, had this song been about something else, like romance, it would have been more impactful that way. A hit anyways! Shefali proves why she is the most favored jazz artist in the country.

Next is 'Mohhabat Buri Bimari' which comes in three versions. My favorite is the one sung by Neeti for its simplicity as this one seems to be the base composition on which the other versions are based. The other two versions are sung by Shefali and Shalmali Kholgade. It’s a beautiful poetry about love and its idiosyncrasies. Check out some excerpted lines below:

Haan chhoone se hoti nahi yeh
Nazron ke raste se aaye
Jagda hai iska kal se
Masum dil pe kabzaa jamaaye
Soorat se bholi niyat shikari

It will take you on a ride and on the way will show you all compromises and hardships you have gone through for love. Song sarcastically tells how love makes one act against all the logic and rational. One can immediately connect with the words and appreciate the writer for stating the imperceptible so clearly.

'Ka Kha Ga' has to be one of the best tracks of the album. Great musical arrangement and high octane singing makes it stand out. Yet again, this song is about love but with a slightly different hue. If 'Mohhabat Buri Bimari' held a bit of contempt for love, 'Ka Kha Ga' is probably thoughts of someone who is madly in love. Lyrics are all about love and its contradictions, about how love traps, and in spite of regretting the trap no one tries to escape it. After listening to it once you will go on repeat mode and fall in love with Neeti. 

'Dhadaam Dhadaam' is my favorite in the album and I am sure that it will fetch Neeti handful of awards. This song hardly requires support of any instrumentation and she simply owns it. She has definitely raised the bar for female playback singing in the country. It’s such a powerful performance that its said that she was bedridden for days after recording. She has pushed the limits of her voice box and lungs for taming the Everest high frequencies that this song demands. I pity Anushka for having to take such a daunting task of lip-syncing this song in front of camera. This one’s going to be remembered forever among true music lovers! Incredible!

'Naak Pe Gussa' is a soft number where the lady flirtatiously tries to calm the anger of her lover. Mood of the song is pretty interesting as although she is appeasing her lover she isn’t submissive. Sarcastic and funny lines tickle you and make you love the song.

'Sylvia is a fast paced number which is about a character of the famous Nanavati case of Bombay. Sylvia, wife of Navy Officer Nanavati, cheated on her husband who murders her paramour. The song consistently questions Sylvia why did she committed adultery? Why did she give in to the temptation. Basically, it alludes to the unsatisfiable human greed which is in constant lookout of that elusive happiness.

'Darbaan' is the only number where a male singer gets an entry in the album. Although there is 'Behroopiya' sung by Mohit Chauhan but it’s too contemporary to be part of this album. Definitely out of place. Coming back to Darbaan, Papon’s services are taken for this slow philosophical recital. It’s about how difficult it is for a common man to gain an entry among the elites. Of how a ‘darbaan’ is standing between US and THEM, guarding the gate. Of how closely the elite guard their clique and how a commoner rightfully belongs only to roads. 

'Shut Up' is an interesting conversation between a criminal’s  conscience and heart. Conscience starts its part of the argument describing how the vices are taking over and the dangers involved. To that the heart just says ‘Shut Up’. The heart is so high on the rush of money and power that it’s not ready to listen to any warnings or advises. It just says ‘Shut Up’ to any repartee conscience comes up with. Look at these lines:

Aisi kya, aisi kya, asi kya bhook hai
Dolat, Dolat, Dolat chahiye
Sahi ko, sahi ko, sahi ko chod ke
Dolat, Dolat, Dolat chahiye
Shoot boot main chahra jagmaga diya
Kale ho gaye ku karm
Teri aaj kal kartute khrab hai
Dagmaga rahe hai kadam 

Shefali has rendered just the perfect mood demanded by the lyrics and then the flow of song takes over. 

'Bombay Velvet' , 'Tommy Gun' and 'Conspiracy' have been used as background score in the movie. Bombay Velvet theme is a really intelligent piece of work. You will love its guitar lead and brass back up which gives it a Hollywood feel. 

Overall, gem of an album which will force you to start loving jazz and blues. The music sounds more relevant and interesting when you watch the movie. Music is seamlessly fused with the storyline, at times even taking it forward.

But it’s not an all-attack kind of music which you will like instantly. It will take some patient hearing to let it grow on you. Only after a few sessions you will appreciate the intricacies and layers in Trivedi’s music. Initially all the songs may appear similar but once you have crossed that hurdle you will fall for it. Really path breaking! Hopefully this will spark a trend of true musicals in the country which is currently marred by formula-based and item-song laden albums.

VISION 2020 PART-2

There’s an unwritten rule when it comes to sea foods. “It’s more exotic if it’s more bizarre”. Scary scales, creepy claws and hoary tentacles are taken as delights in culinary credenda. In order to savor the heights of exotica, one day I decided to fall for some Octopus. It too didn’t disappoint me. It was good actually. 6 hours later, I got up after a nightmare. I saw I am in the middle of the sets of the movie Gladiator except for a few things that instead of Colloseum it was a soccer stadium, instead of a lion , the predator was a giant Octopus and the worst part it was me as the Gladiator. The Octopus says ‘ me ‘Paul’ takes oath of the seas that I’ll finish you off’. I ask ‘why me?’ To that he replies ‘coz it was you who killed my brother last night…v for vengeance..v for vendetta..!!’ And oh thank God it was over. A pang of guilt hit me. Was the octopus I relished on last night Paul’s brother? Am I really a sinner? Anyways I got along my daily routine as usual. Then in a couple of days I realized that I have somehow acquired a magical power of uncanny forevision, of predicting the events. I think the consumption of Paul’s cousin vested me with some of the Paul’s prediction powers. Every night I’ll have a vision of some or the other future events. Here I have written down some of my foresight. This is how I saw my country, my countrymen and their leaders.

•India is a sovereign republic with 80 states and 60 constitutionally recognized languages.
•Sikkim is the largest state of the country. Some of the separatists are demanding for the formation of a new state ‘Jhumri Talaiya’
•Dr. Manmohan Singh is the president of India. Opposition has smeared him a ‘weak president’ and a puppet in the hands of the PM Rahul Gandhi.
•2020 census states that the Bangladeshi migrants are the largest ethnic group in the country. They are demanding a reservation of 25% in jobs and educational institutes.
•Bihar holds the unique distinction of producing 15 railway ministers in a row.
•Ajit Singh has switched 15 different political parties and formed 5 new parties in the last decade.
•Shashi Tharoor has founded new political party TJP Twitter Janta Party. Symbol of the party is ‘cattle’.
•There are 17 members of the Karunanidhi’s family in the central cabinet.
•Rakhi Sawant gets Rajya Sabha membership.
•China has engulfed Ladakh & Leh and controls majority of the north eastern states. ‘Indian govt. doesn’t consider Chinese aggression as any threat to the national security’ says defence secretary.
•BJP is fighting next elections on the issue of hanging Ajmal Kasab. Kasab has reported human rights violation by India at UN.
•Menka Gandhi is staging indefinite hunger strike for the cause of ‘dogs’. Reason: One of the member of the parliament has allegedly called the MP’s of the ruling party as dogs.
•Yesterday was the last day of Monsoon Session of the parliament. The day started off with MP’s throwing tomatoes, eggs, chairs, stationary etc at each other and ended up with Tug of War.
•A charge sheet has been filed against for the construction of Maya Mahal (a copy of Taj Mahal) right in front of Taj Mahal in Agra.
•ND Tiwari caught in an uncompromising position with the housekeeper of the old age home he lives in.
•India ranks 227 in HDI (Human Development Index) . PM has congratulated the nation for being ahead of two nations of the world. Ethiopia and Somalia.
•KPS Gill and Suresh Kalmadi are still the chairman of Indian Hockey Federation and Indian Olympic Council respectively.
•UID project to take two more years for completion.
•Naxalites have a pan-India presence and are currently fighting for the freedom of J&K.
•Jai Ram Ramesh has decided not to speak in public again.
•Home Minister visits US for finalizing Indo-US nuclear deal.
•India confident of getting permanent seat in security council.
•Defense ministry has solved Siachen problem with a creative approach. It has removed 5000 soldiers from the Siachen base and instead placed Himesh Reshamiya with mic in his hand. Pakistanis are reported to have fled 500 km away from the LOC.
•The court is left to go through with only 100 pages of the 14000 page report submitted by Lalit Modi after IPL3 scam in 2010.
•Bal Thakre who started his political career with opposing South Indians, then Muslims, then Bhaiyyas in Mumbai, is currently bent on remoiving Marathis from Mumbai. According to him Mumbai is only for Thakres ( the ones with title can live in the city)

KUNGFU AVATAR

A nerd making an excursion into a futuristic looking laboratory, suddenly gets bitten by a genetically modified (spider), or may be a radioactive (spider) or by a god-knows-what but certainly a spider. Suddenly he discovers himself in a new muscled avatar and he can perform all the adventure of a spider with splendor and grace. This was a transformation of an ordinary high school goer Peter Parker to a superhero Spiderman. But the story on hand is even freakish, coz the protagonist here is already a superhero unlike Superman, Batman, our desi Shaktiman who are shown to be ordinary citizen before the transformation takes place. The hero (better known as Bumchuk) we are talking about is a mix of a nerd, a sexually hyper-active, sensitive and 9 to 5 white-collar-job guy whom we call Bond. (This is most permanent of the names I assure) hey you! What’s that sarcastic smile for. Our hero has got all the attributes of the original James Bond ( except for the sleekness :( Sadly our Bond’s gone weirdly out of shape). Only Jesus knows whether it was Komodo’s lick, Crested Cuckatoo’s bite, Sting Ray’s sting or Grizzly Bear’s assault that has metamorphed Bond to a whole new avatar of Kung Fu Pande. Read it once again. It’s not Panda but Pande, Rightfully created to give our superhero a desi flavor. Unfathomable is the persona and indescribable are the heroics of our superhero. Here’s the excerpt of the New Testament (Kungfu Pande’s Testament) made public so that you know do's and don’ts with while dealing with Kungfu Pande. Do you know our hero is such adept at some of the martial arts act that when he kicks any villain it can be seen from the moon..!! Picture abhi baaki hai mere dost…couple of things to be observed while reading, first…brackets are to be read. Second ..Kung FU Pande will be referred as KFP.OK
•There are no races, only countries of people KFP has beaten to different shades of black n blue.
•A KFP delivered kick is the preferred method of execution in 20 countries.
•When KFP falls in water, KFP doesn’t get wet. Water gets KFP.
•KFP’s house has no doors, only walls he walks through.
•When KFP has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.
•KFP can divide by zero.
•Grass is always greener on the other side, unless KFP has been there.
•Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a KFP kick.
•While urinating, KFP is easily capable of welding titanium.
•When KFP talks, everybody listens. And dies.
•For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For KFP, each testicle is larger than the other one.
•Thousands of years ago KFP came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its descendents now have white hair.
•If you want to a list of KFP’s list of enemies, just check the list of extinct species list.
•KFP has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
•If Superman and Batman were to race to the edge of the space , you know who would win. KFP.
•KFP only masturbates to the picture of KFP.
•If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beat paper, what beats all three.KFP
•KFP once walked down the street with a massive penile erection. There were no survivors.
•There are no disabled people. Only people who have met KFP.
•KFP once bet NASA he could space re-entry without spacesuit. He did that successfully reaching temperature of 3000c, and NASA claimed it was a meteor.
•KFP scored 100% in GATE by writing KFP for every answer.
•One time at war with KING KONG, accidentally KFP lost his left testicle. You might be familiar to it by the name of Jupiter.
•KFP doesn’t spell check. If he misspells a word, Oxford accepts it and changes the actual spelling
•Scientists in Washington have conceded that if there is a nuclear war. All that would remain are cockroaches and KFP.
•KFP never gets laid, rather laid gets KFP.
•Hellen Keller’s favorite color is KFP.
•KFP once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
•Thousands of years ago KFP came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled North into Arctic . it was also so terrified that all of its descendents have white hair.
•They once tried to carve KFP’s face in Mount Rushmore, but the granite wasn’t hard enough for his beard.
•KungFu Pande is the password to the Pentagon’s top secret.
•KFP is currently suing Supreme Court, claiming that Law and Order are names for his left and right leg.
•The Great Wall Of China was originally constructed to keep KFP out. It failed miserably.
•When observing a KFP ‘kick in the face’ in slow motion, one actually finds he first rapes the victim, then smokes a cigarette with SRK and then kicks victim in the face.
•USA was once bordering India, until KFP kicked it to its present postion all the way through the earth.
•If you have 5 rupees and KFP has 5 rupees. KFP has more money than you.
•When KFP had surgery, anesthesia was given to doctors.
•KFP broke the world speed record on a bicycle that was missing chain and had no tyres.
•Shakti Kapoor was arrested for masturbating in public. The same day KFP got an award for masturbating in public.
•If KFP is late, time you better slow down.
•KFP sleeps with a night bulb on. Not because he fears dark, but dark fears KFP.
•KFP always has sex on first date.
•A handicap parking sign doesn’t signify that this spot is for handicaps. In fact it’s a warning that the spot belongs to KFP and you will be handicapped if you park here.
•KFP donates his blood often to the Red Cross. But never his blood.
•KFP doesn’t shave; he kicks in the face. The only thing that can cut KFP’s hair is KFP.
•In the beginning there was nothing. Then KFP kicked the air and Universe was created. Scientists call it Big Bang.
•KFP has 12 moons. One of them is Earth.
•KFP grinds his coffee with the teeth and boils the water with his rage.
•Archaeologists unearthed an old dictionary dating back to 1200 ad. it defined ‘victim’ as one who encountered KFP.
•If you google ‘KFP getting ass kicked’ you will generate zero results. it just doesn’t happen.
•Bermuda triangle was actually a Bermuda square until KFP kicked one of its squares off.
•When KFP is in a crowded place, he doesn’t walk around people, he walks through them.
•KFP counted to infinity. Twice.
•KFP has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life there.
•In fine print on the last page of Guinness World record . it notes that all the world records are held by KFP, and those listed in the book are simply those who has gotten closest.
•The chief export of KFP is pain.
•KFP knows pi (22/7) up to the last decimal.

All these facts are not original but inspired

VISION 2020

If u are thinking this is rhetoric on what our ex-president feels about the future of India, or how a CEO of a software firm conceptualizes inclusive growth , you are absolutely going wayward. As a matter of fact you rank terribly low in terms of GQ ie Guessing Quotient. ( hey kaustubh ! there is one more to the list ;) ). So coming back to track, I say, how can you think of anything else amidst all this bitching going on in the name of cricket(read IPL)..? Anyways. Offlate I felt the need to explore my inner self. For that I was advised to meditate ( you cant always blame scantily-clad cheer girls for every other spiritual upheaval). What came out of it was a truth so beautiful, so real, so far-fetched. In fact what churned out was a pastiche of cricket and spirituality. I foresaw cricket, say ten years from now. This is what the enlightenment says:
YEAR 2020:
Sachin Tendulkar has already scored 50,000 international runs with 160 centuries. He is preparing to win 2023 World cup for India and for his son Arjun Tendulkar ,who is playing as the captain of the Indian cricket team.

Now there are 50 teams playing in the IPL. Dewas Destroyers and Boisterous Bareily are the latest addition.

Dada is sure he will be able to win the next IPL for KKR.

Shahrukh Khan says ‘My name is Kahn’ ( Kahn as of German goalie ‘Oliver Kahn’). He has actually left KKR after soul-wrecking performance for a decade and taken the franchisee for Moahanbagan Football Club.

Shashi Tharoor and Lalit Modi jointly own KKR.

Mandira Bedi.Thanks to your growing shares and assets (pun intended), IPL is exponentially prospering.

Harsha Bhogle shows signs of real hair regeneration.

Red alert. Chinese are into cricket and have virtually destroyed the Indian cricket goods market. They are next targeting the cricket itself. Australian cricket board is worried.

Vijay Mallya is the president of BCCI.

Hockey is still our national game. Although Gagan Ajit Singh and Rajpal Singh play for Saurashtra and Karnataka (cricket teams) respectively.

Saina Nehwal marries Pakistani cricketer Atif Hussain.

Atif Hussian becomes the first Pakistani captain after Imran Khan to have not used a translator at a post-match presentation.

Shoaib Akhtar is again banned for two years for drug-abuse.

Shahid Afridi is again in the controversy after he was caught hurling stone at the floodlight. Shahid says he was not hurling the stone at the floodlight, he was just checking the direction of the wind flow.

Bangladesh is confident it can once more gain its 'test playing cricket nation' status.

The latest Shane Warne biography claims that he has slept with 2000 and not 1000 women.

S.Shreesanth is the bowling coach of India. He has advised the young bowlers NOT to loose their aggression, keep their cool and concentrate on basics.

Cheteshwar Pujara now has 15 triple centuries in the domestics and is still struggling to make it into Indian Cricket team. He has launched a rebellion in the woods of Bastar with the other strugglers. He is renamed and rebranded as ‘Che Pujara’( as of Che Guevara).

SPITSVILLA

Picture perfect. You are witnessing some breathtaking views of lush green sunflower fields, of blossomed Gulmohar groves, of children waving at you. You are fortunate to have that window-seat. The gentle breeze caressing your face and quenching every thirst in you. Then you feel a spray of water on your face titillating your senses. That simply adds divinity to the whole scene and suddenly you realize that this spray was a shower of spit from the adjoining compartment. Yukk! I know and you know that Jug Suraiya has already written on it. But I believe reams and books can be written on this favorite Indian past-time ‘spitting’. Yak-Thoo! And it’s over. So simple. An Indian can literally spit anywhere, anytime, and any number of times. After a hectic day of work, you leap towards your brand new Skoda Fabia. As soon as you approach the car you see a graphic laden with saliva, betel-nuts, and germs, embellished on your car. All for free. Sometimes you can find your bed sheet, drying in the balcony, dyed with red colored ellipses and exclamation marks. This also for free.
There can be many number of reasons for this obsession. I sense our ancestors; Aryans, had some serious chest and bronchial infection. The virus responsible for it must have been so stubborn that it permanently found its residence in Indian genes. So, generation after generations it is still part of our genetic constitution. This is yet another great example of our Indian hospitality towards invaders and intruders. This can be the reason for perennial coughing and spitting. Yaak-Thoo and infections bye bye.
An another reason could be our neighbor-love. Bhutanese have this tradition of revering yaks no less than deities. So, may be Yaak-Thoo was an ancient mantra to seek yak’s blessing. And Indians being religious, god-fearing and neighbor-loving in nature adopted it.
These medical and cultural ramifications aside, there is something higher and transcendental about it. Indians just grow impatient and disconcerted if they don’t manage to spit for a while. Surely there is some orgasmic pleasure related with spitting. This can even be verified. They say women are devoid of pleasure of orgasm. A sex survey reveals only 18%women experience orgasm in their lifetime. Justifiably, the women Yaak-Thooing is also low. So, for some of our men ‘only spit bujhaye pyaas, baaki sab bakwaas’.
There is also a variant to spitting known as ‘pichook’, and it comes with artistic inclinations. Its proponents are gutkha or pan-chewing Indians who consider it their right to decorate the walls, streets, buildings and specially-specially the ‘corners’. Be it a corner in the bathroom or lift or parking, we find the evidence of this desi-deco. Like a dog’s affinity to a pole, is the affinity of ‘pichookers’ to corners. We are proud inheritors of some of the finest artistic legacies in the world. That’s why we can see Sarkari buildings adorned with red colored art everywhere. I think the Indians are so nostalgic about the British Raj and their red-stone architecture that they try and change the yellow colored Sarkari buildings to red. Hum honge qamyaab ek din.
Sadly, if there is something Indians follow , it becomes impossible to make them not to do it. Public awareness campaigns, billboards, documentaries don’t have an effect on them. As if ‘ Yaak-Thoo chahe koi mujhe junglee kahe’. We won’t give up spitting and will find time and place to do it by ‘hook or thook’ errr.. I mean ‘hook or crook’..

A TRUE FIGHTER

If you derive inspiration from Lance Armstrong’s heroic comeback from the deathbed or from Barrack Obama’s rise to the White House, here is story which is in some ways is no less a bravado.
NAME: SWASTI WAGH
AGE: 35
QUALIFICATION: M.Sc
PROFESSION: TEACHING
This looks to be a profile of a pretty ordinary lady. No. she is not an ordinary lady. She is a patient of ataxia; a progressive degenerative disorder, but she makes things look ordinary.
Swasti, a science post graduate, first felt the tentacles of ataxia (read more about ataxia http://www.ataxia.org/learn/ataxia-diagnosis.aspx) engulfing her when she was in her college. So rare is the outset of this disease that medical fraternity itself isn’t well-versed with its symptoms and diagnosis. Very obviously it took a long time before it was exactly identified. Progressively; in accordance with its characteristics, this cureless disorder took a toll on her bodily co-ordination until she became dependent on other for her daily activities and movement. She is fortunate enough that her speech isn’t affected badly. According to her family, she was unflinchingly determined to complete her post graduate studies. After her studies it was kind of impossible for her to pursue a career. But she didn’t let her disability disable her. Rather, she took to teaching children and she earns decent money with it.
All this while, she and her family were looking for a possible treatment. Unperturbed by the quagmire she was struck in, what she did next is truly commendable. Apart from taking on her battle, she decided to help other ataxia patients. Thanks to social networking sites and some database with doctors, she caught hold of about 80 patients in Indore and adjoining districts. She tirelessly contacted these patients and urged them to meet and interact because she feels this is the only way of subsiding the agony of the disease, physically and mentally, where similar people can share their hardships and also involve in activities such as speech therapy, physiotherapy etc. She was also proactively in touch with SAMAG; a Hyderabad based NGO which helps ataxia patients. Finally, her endurance fruited and with the help of SAMAG(http://www.samataxiagroup.org/pages/ataxiainformation.html), she created the Indore chapter at a meeting held at Nath Mandir on 23 Feb 18. ataxia patients and their relatives from Ujjain, Dewas, Mhow, Shujalpur, Hoshangabad participated in the meet. Although, the number was not very encouraging, still it was heartening enough.
Some prominent names in the medical profession like Dr. Apurva Puranik, Dr. Sudhir Kothari, and Dr. Deepak Nair etc. were present and encouraged patients to fight ataxia with will power. Swasti spoke and maintained her stance about remaining optimistic.
Swasti, a daughter a mathematics professor, hopes that more ataxia patients will join the support group and expects successful frequent meetings. The main hurdle to such activities is the inability of patients to move. This impairs the possibility of the strength catching high. Swasti expects some NGO’s and self-help groups who can volunteer to arrange such activities, as man power is also an important aspect. Swasti is in Hyderabad (SAMAG headquarter) while this article is written. It becomes imperative for us, the so-called normal people, to come forward and help her in her mission. This is a request to all government, doctors, educators, NGO’s, administrators, intellectuals and all others to help SAMAG and Swasti achieve their vision. A small deed of yours can bring light to someone’s life.

QUOTIENT HOUR

Humanity has always been in a quest for quantifying wisdom or intelligence. Ancient Indian traditions had their own ingenious tool where one’s intelligence was commensurate to the ‘how many thousands of Sanskrit shlokas’ one knew. In Oriental civilizations, the more the number of symbols one knew of their script, higher he was placed in pedantic echelons. There were secret societies in the western world as Masons, Templars, Kabbalah, KKK etc. which had rings within the organization. Only the worthy with substantial grey matter & occult knowledge deserved to get into these inner rings which were again the symbol of mental competency.
Then in the latter half of the 19th century a German psychologists William Stern came up with something called ‘Intelligence Quotient’. It was a battery of tests designed to assess the workability of a human brain. Soon it had a universal acceptance Intelligence quotient or IQ was now something which indubitably categorized human brains into various stratas. Justifiably Einsteins & Bohrs showed higher IQ of 140’s as compared to their normal counterparts All over the world, the much coveted jobs in KCB, CIA, CERN etc. demanded a high IQ as prerequisite.

But it took almost a century after the genesis of IQ, to realize that our cerebral potential cannot alone be judged by IQ there are various other things to a brain other than unidirectional reasoning & logical thinking It was realized that aesthetics, spirituality sentiments etc. too are as vital This ideology led to diversification of IQ. First came EQ (Emotional Quotient), it was & is most commonly discussed in HR circles. A person is supposed to have a good amount of EQ for his proper functioning in an organization or the society.
It was as if a whole new avenue of knowledge opened. Soon there was SQ (Social Quotient) which decided how socially responsible you are. Following came MQ (Moral quotient) calling us to be more virtuous. Then came the era of environment awareness & everyone was scaled on the two new litmus tests CQ (carbon Quotient) & GQ (Green Quotient), the more the GQ the more responsible and aware you are about your planet. Ensuing these two came EnQ (Energy Quotient). The industries & corporates who had a bent on saving energy & its effective utilization considered ENQ as one of their priorities. Your AQ (Adversity Quotient) shows how stoic & inure you stand to the hardships whereas the NQ (Networking Quotient) reflects on your interpersonal skills & the contacts you have built up. Creative fellows you don’t have to be disappointed, there is CQ (Creative Quotient) for u.
American Football is to Americans what Cigarettes are to the French. So there is FQ (Football Quotient). Even the US president craves for a good FQ. It’s much-touted affair. For all the techies (read software engineers) who succumb to the work load (read get bored of doing nothing), online games are no less than Christmas gifts, with card games being the favorite. PQ (Poker Quotient) is something IT professionals are vying for. There can’t be a blessing more heavenly than Google for nerds & geeks. So, how effectively you Google your way to the required information is measured by your GQ (Google Quotient).
Now, your adrenaline stimulants like Scuba diving in Great Barrier Reef, Bungee jumping in Hoover or trekking Pyrenees won’t go unnoticed as they may help you improve your AQ (Adventure Quotient). If you have appetite for the finesse i.e. you relish Thai Prawns, Boardeux Cognac, own a Yatch , accessorize with Louis Vuitton & savor live Lambada performance, you are scaling super-high on LQ(Lifestyle Quotient).
The degree of awareness & performance in matter of Sex, Sexuality & Sexiness in measured by SQ (Sex Quotient). If you have seen the Castles in the Scotland, camped in Serengeti, rappelled in Grand Canyon, Kayaked in Borneo or kissed beneath Arc de Triumph you Score maximum in TQ (travel Quotient). But there is a thing which bothers me these days in my BQ (Blog Quotient). As a blogger, you are expected to know what to expect where & where to expect what. Anyways, I am working hard to improve it.
By the way I have discovered something new. I am thinking of introducing a new quotient in this already quotient–riddled world. What about QQ (Quotient Quotient), which is, how you are informed about already existing quotient. So what’s your QQ…?

SOAP OPERA

Nothing really is bizarrely out of place when one sees Rancho & co. screaming and scratching there asses to sing All Is Well while bathing. In fact, I don’t know what affinity music has to water that it can be traced all the way back to the history. Remember lavish Turkish and Persian Hamams, where gentry used to go for community bathing, having trained musicians playing live music. Or the famous Pandits and Ustads carrying out there Riyaz in the river banks and the world famous music festivals in Benares Ghats and the likes. And of course the Megh Malhar which is supposed to have brought rains in the midst of fiery famines. Then we have ubiquitous saree-clad bollywood heroines using music and rains as catalyst to accelerate some unknown reactions. So, surely water and music are as close as Dal-Middle class, Afridi-sanity, Thakeray-Bhaiyyas are un-close.
But the thing turns even more magical as soon as we step into the bathroom. God knows what provokes whom, but its sure that no one gives a better shot at singing anywhere, than at the bathroom. I have tried to research on what is so motivating that this phenomenon is so universal. Here’s something I have observed and jotted down. Firstly it’s the close confines of a bathroom, which gives one the sense of identity and confidence coupled with isolation. So the shy ones and the horrible-voiced ones give it a try here. Another reason can be the stereophonic sound effects given by the smooth surface and tiles, which make your sound, appear human-ish. May be there is something to do with the nakedness. One of the possibilities could be the chemical deRajulization caused by either foam, or lotions, or soaps, or the combination of the three. And then there is the biggest reason: ‘water’
Whatever the reason being; bathroom singing brings out the singer in you. I remember my debut performance at the age of 5 or 6, and it was straightaway termed as evils of television by my parents. Since then I have grown miles in the pursuit (and now I claim to crack any ceiling in the world with my singing). In a persons career the Bathroom Singing hits peak when he is in the college (this can be possibly for two reasons, one they have nothing useful to do, and second time comes for free). I still remember a guy in the hostel bathroom singing full throttle ‘Aanan Faanan’, (courtesy: Himesh reshamiya) which made me suffer bouts of nightmare for months.
As soon as you get your hostel room allotted next to the bathroom or to its proximity, you immediately have yearly music subscription for free. And yes it comes to you in a whole lot of variety and genres ranging from MJ to Ustad Akbar Khan, Lata to Aguilera, and Pink Floyd to Elvis Presley, that too at customized versions. Sometimes, generally on Sundays and holidays, it can start off as a chain reaction. First bathroom occupant exciting the trigger and rest all in other bathrooms abruptly join and you have what is known as a musical explosion.
There are also some trends which I have observed. The songs vary seasonally. Summertime evokes romantic and slow songs while winter always makes one sing pacy numbers. Current musical scene also decides what’s in the jukebox. Songs most frequent on Fm and the latest bollywood flicks find maximum privilege. There are also some evergreens too in the Bathroom Singing circuit. Then there are idiosyncrasies like there was a guy who used sing in female voice and a chap who used to metamorphise to a rapper in a flash as he entered the studio…errr bathroom. The playlist also depends on nearness to exams. The tempo and the tune of the song is also adjusted depending on various factors like whether one is getting late for the college or not, tap/shower water flow, and which body part one is rubbing, and temperature of the water. It may also depend on whether this is the first, second, or third time in the month one is bathing (as mostly he baths maximum thrice in a month).
This piece of enlightenment isn’t written so that you get conscious next time you are in the bathroom. Bathroom Singing is a symbol of naturalness, of liberation, of defiance. So take it as for what it stands for. This is an art which has endured all the vagaries of time; you have got it passed down to you by your ancestors. (imagine your primitive ancestors yelling hulla-hulla tribal tunes while diving from a 30 foot tree top ;) ). So, next time you are in bathroom sing your hearts out. With poise and poison. Happy singing. Addieuxx..

'COZ MEN WILL BE MEN

Well, cometh the new year and all the newspaper, mags, and entertainment channels (better known as news channels) remind us of the most clichéd, hyped lie we tell to ourselves a.k.a New Year Resolutions(read promises which must be broken before the new year bash hangover is over). And what a bullshit man!! Are we really concerned if Kate Moss vows that she’ll use eco-friendly nappy for her kittens. Kittyshit !! But these mediawallahs are hell bent on giving their (un)holy advice.

A recent survey by a US university says that the percentage of women keeping their resolutions is three times as high as men. ( why don’t Yales and Columbias do anything saner. Well if they have run outta ideas i suggest we have Mayawatis and Mamtas here in India, who I am sure, will take shit out of your mind). This speaks of men being chicken hearted at keeping promises. I think, we men, shouldn’t be blamed outright. The unfair sex is hardwired just on some other weird lines. Its not our fault. It’s the way we have evolved. They say a man thinks of sex every six second!! (many testosterone charged alphas may even challenge that ;) ) And there’s nothing wrong with it (not to be taken literally). I mean this way nature makes sure that every male has urge to spread his genes. Leave that Darwinism apart, I just want to show that how men are men and why men will be men…

Scene 1: A guy sitting alone, musing while enjoying his cappuccino in a café. Just see at what all concerns him..

“Were we born to be lonely..??”

“Am I satisfied with my job..?”

“Why don’t they hang Kasab..!?”

“Recession !! swine flu ??”

“Does Obama deserve Nobel ??”

“My fucking boss $#%%@..”

“I think they should include Dravid in one-dayers..”

“What is my true calling..??”

“Nehru is the bloody reason to all this pain in the ass (read Pakistan problem).”

“I want to bring change..”

“Copenhagen failure…”

“Can we sustain more IIMs..??”

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Scene 2 A beautiful lady enters the café and sits in one of the couches nearby. Now see how his mann ka radio gets out of tune (not necessarily nasal ;) )

“Wow man !! she’s fucking hot !!”

“A real babe !!”

“Should I ask her out ..?”

“Will she get impressed by my MNC job..??”

“Good hair, I say ..”

“What is she reading..??”

“The room smells so nice..wow!!”

“What a dressing sense..!!”

“35-24-35 34-25-36 34-26-35 ???”

“Could she be single..??”

“I see a possible soulmate in her…”

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